French Kissing

*Jane in Vienna*

I am writing from the Vienna airport, on my way back to Paris after a short visit to see Nick and Mason. I wanted to talk briefly about a custom that the French are famous for, and that I am learning about: "faire la bise" or making the kiss of greeting. I can confirm that the ritual is still alive and well in French culture. This is something that French people do to show intimacy with another person, either because they are already in some kind of relationship to each other or because among strangers the possibility of a relationship is being initiated. The first time anyone ever did this to me was at a party that I may have blogged about that took place in October. Although I knew only one other guest, when I arrived every person there gave me the kiss, even though I had never met any of them before. The reason was because of the type of the event, a party, and also the fact that we all appeared to be about the same age. So it was as though everyone was welcoming me and letting me know that it was ok to treat them casually and to use familiar forms of speech. At the party I met a couple who lives in Paris, and I have since seen them several times, and we always make the kiss to greet each other. At the church that I have been attending for the past month the first time I went to the worship service no one talked to me (I didn't really give anyone a chance to), so no kiss. The second time I actually met quite a few people, but no kisses were exchanged. Oh but last week! - every single person I had met the week before greeted me with the kiss. So because I am getting to know this group of people at L'eglise du marais I will be exchanging the greeting kiss dozens of times a week.

It's surprisingly easy to get used to. Everytime I've done it you go to the left first. Three kisses is unusual - no one has ever done this to me, but I have seen it, especially among older people. I think maybe this is done if people have known each other for along time. You actually touch the other person's cheeks with your own, which to me is something more intimate than a hug. Everyone's cheeks are always soft, although I have exchanged the greeting kiss with bearded men, and this is kind of strange. Perhaps this ritual encourages French men to be clean shaven - I feel like I don't see a lot of beards in Paris. Hugs in the US don't really say anything to me, other than to tell me whether or not another person likes to hug. And there is always ambiguity about whether or not to hug someone - do you know each other well enough, does the other person hug or not? But in France there are seemingly unwritten rules for the kiss, and I feel like it really means something. When the people at the church gave me the kiss I felt strongly welcomed by the community, even though people had been a little shy to speak to me at first. I think attending the lunch meals, which I have now done twice, indicated to the group that I was interested in having community and not just attending the service.

So in some, I am fond of this French custom. I don't think it would work in the US though - every time I see Americans making the kiss it seems snobby to me. Perhaps when I return I won't feel this way - I suppose you'll have to see what I do when I see you all again this summer.